1. |
Pharaoh's Curse
03:43
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I went on holiday
To escape the cold and grey
A hotel by the sea
Was just the thing for me
I looked on the internet
To see what I could get
I wanted my skin to bake
So I booked up Sharm el Sheikh
If I'd have known what was in store
I wouldn't have left my front door
Coz I've got pharaoh's curse
Things are going from bad to worse
Won't you please help me nurse
Coz I've got pharaoh's curse
Sore bum and feeling rotten
I've got rusty water coming out of my bottom
I didn't want to be rude
So I tried the local food
That was a big mistake
Now I've got belly ache
I'm in constant agony
what the fuck have they done to me
Coz I've got pharaoh's curse
Things are going from bad to worse
Won't you please help me nurse
Coz I've got pharaoh's curse
Sore bum and feeling rotten
I've got rusty water coming out of my bottom
I could have sat and cried
I holidayed inside
And I lost half a stone
Couldn't get off the throne
If I'd have known what was in store
I wouldn't have left my front door
Coz I've got pharaoh's curse
Things are going from bad to worse
Won't you please help me nurse
Coz I've got pharaoh's curse
Sore bum and feeling rotten
I've got rusty water coming out of my bottom
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2. |
I've Been Banned
02:09
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I've been banned from Bargain Booze
Coz I was sick on my shoes
And the staff I did abuse
I've been banned from Bargain Booze
I've been banned form Wetherspoons
Complained about their lack of tunes
Pelted them with piss-balloons
I've been banned from Wetherspoons
I've been banned from Poundland
I was just hanging round
With my bollocks in my hand
I've been banned from Poundland
I've been banned from Bargain Booze
Coz I was sick on my shoes
And the staff I did abuse
I've been banned from Bargain Booze
I've been banned
I've been banned
From everywhere
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3. |
Ladyshave
03:12
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Things are getting out of control
I've got the Jackson 5 around my arsehole
And I can't see the wood for trees
My pubic hair is nearly at my knees
It's all got too unruly
Gotta part my hair to find my goolies
Before it gets out of hand
I guess it's time that I made a stand
All my razors are blunt and I can't find the garden strimmer
There's nothing else for it I'll have to use the quim trimmer
La la la la la la la la Ladyshave
La la la la la la la la Ladyshave
La la la la la la la la Ladyshave
Two blades get you closer to getting laid
Every time I have a wash
It takes all day to dry my pant moustache
Look closely at my knackers
They've got more hair than 10 Chewbackas
It's too late for you debaters
Time for me to scrape my 'taters
And one thing that I figure
If I shave it all off its bound to look bigger
All my razors are blunt and I can't find the garden strimmer
There's nothing else for it I'll have to use the quim trimmer
La la la la la la la la Ladyshave
La la la la la la la la Ladyshave
La la la la la la la la Ladyshave
Two blades get you closer to getting laid
Take good care from back to front
Works quite well (he's a bit of a cunt)
Slow and steady round my balls and crack
If I don't take care I'll get the sack
All my razors are blunt and I can't find the garden strimmer
There's nothing else for it I'll have to use the quim trimmer
La la la la la la la la Ladyshave
La la la la la la la la Ladyshave
La la la la la la la la Ladyshave
Two blades get you closer to getting laid
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4. |
You're A Dickhead
02:48
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Just coz you've been to public school
Don't think everyone else is a fool
Oxbridge education and the drinking club
Man of the people in our local pub
Woohoo you're a dickhead
Woohoo such a dickhead
You really think I believe in you
After all the things you say and do
Keep your promises or so you say
As long as they are all voting your way
Woohoo you’re a dickhead
Woohoo such a dickhead
It doesn't matter what you say
Were not listening anyway
Woohoo you're a dickhead
Drums only
Got your education got your degree
You think you are better than me
Woohoo you're a dickhead
Here we go
If we didn't vote where would we be
But I don't want you to represent me
Keep your political views to yourself
And keep your hands off our national health
Come the revolution what will you do
Watch your back ‘coz we’re coming for you
Come the revolution the assets you sold
You'll look good with your head on a pole
You're a dickhead
Such a dickhead
You are a dickhead
A fuckin' dickhead
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5. |
Cross Dresser
03:44
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I bought a new bikini
£10 from Primarni
I think that it’s too teeny
To cover my salami
I wanna be like all the girls
Wanna wear my hair in curls
With diamante and fake pearls
I wanna be a beauty queen
Like the girls in the magazines
The woman of my dreams
Woaah Oh Crossdresser
Woaah Oh Crossdresser
Woaah Oh Crossdresser
Give my legs a waxing
Apply some baby lotion
Silk robe to relax in
When you got the notion
High heeled shoes and a bag that matches
Perfect nails and fake eye lashes
I guess I must confess
I don’t mind the sniggers
Coz under my black dress
Are lacy bra and knickers
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6. |
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There's a spoon in the knife drawer
Who put it there?
There's a spoon in the knife drawer
Don't they care?
There's a spoon in the knife drawer
Is it just me?
There's a spoon in the knife drawer
Am I OCD?
There's a spoon in the knife drawer
There's no symmetry
There's a spoon in the knife drawer
With my cutlery
There's a spoon in the knife drawer
It's freakin' me out
There's a spoon in the knife drawer
Take it out
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7. |
Posted It On Facebook
02:26
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Went for a walk with my niece Posted it on Facebook
Smashing lunch, oh what a feast Posted it on Facebook
Got arrested by the police Posted it on Facebook
Spotted the moors Bodmin beast Posted it on Facebook
Chatting up a girl, what a charmer Posted it on Facebook
Found a quote from the Dalai Lama Posted it on Facebook
Lazy day in my pyjamas Posted it on Facebook
Watched a video of Bananarama Posted it on Facebook
Out with lads, is the usual plan Posted it on Facebook
Drink as much as I can Posted it on Facebook
Overdid I, I can't stand Posted it on Facebook
Copped off with my girlfriend's Nan Posted it on Facebook
Nana Nana Posted it on Facebook
Made you look like a prat Made you look like a real fucking twat
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8. |
All Hail Barry Scott
03:31
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Cleaning chaos, help me
All hail to Barry Scott
Cleaning products, he's got the lot
He's got cleaning power
He's got Cillit Bang
All hail to Barry Scott
He's the cleaning big shot
He's the hero of this song
Bang! And the dirt is gone
A blocked drain what a shocker
He cleared it out with his unblocker
Barry Scott, he's got a plan
He makes housework far more fun
He removed my soap scum
With a squirt of his Cillit Bang
He's all man, an alpha male
Removing stubborn lime scale
Barry Scott, I'm his number 1 fan
In a fight with Mr Muscle
Barry would win that tussle
With a squirt of his Cillit Bang
Burnt on stains, can be a pain
Scale & lime, make it shine
Cut through grease, find inner peace
Remove the grime, in half the time
I'm off to clean the shower
With the help of turbo power
Barry Scott he's the man
Cillit Bang, it's the best
See the results of the penny test
With a squirt of his Cillit Bang
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9. |
Homophobic Girlfriend
02:54
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My girl, used to be so traditional
My girl, always used to say
You know, it's so unnatural
How can, people be gay
But it was just a cover
Part of her disguise
I've seen her new lover
She's swapped, to girls from guys
My homophobic girlfriend, left me for the girl next door
She swapped my manly body, for womanly allure
I used to be so confident, now I'm not so sure
Coz my homophobic girlfriend, left me for the girl next door
We would, go out together
We'd kiss, and we'd hold hands
She would, be spitting feathers
If she saw, a bit of man on man
Girls were not for kissing
Much to my dismay
She's the one I'm missing
Coz she swings, the other way
She's packed, her bags and cases
Moved in, to the house next door
I hear, passionate embraces
Each night, through the walls and floor
She's at it every evening
It goes on and on and on
I'm alone and grieving
With Netflix, and a meal for one
My homophobic girlfriend, left me for the girl next door
She swapped my manly body, for womanly allure
I used to be so confident, now I'm not so sure
Coz my homophobic girlfriend, left me for the girl next door
My homophobic girlfriend, left me for the girl next door
She swapped my manly body, for womanly allure
Now strap-on cocks and dildos, are strewn across the floor
Coz my homophobic girlfriend, left me for the girl next door
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10. |
Under Attack
01:51
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Army of one
Nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
Fight to survive
Under attack
Beware
Under attack
From everywhere
Under attack
Stand proud
Under attack
Gonna stand my
Ground
It's you or me
Anarchy
No defeat
Never retreat
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11. |
Travolta
04:16
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It's early in the evening and I buy myself a beer
There are ladies in the corner so I stay well clear
My tongue is tied in knots so I can't make conversation
I'll just keep my head down to avoid intimidation
Can't risk a sideways glance in their general direction
Coz I might just catch their eye and I can't take the rejection
So I'll romance my pint, pretend that everything's alright
And maybe, just maybe
By the end of the night
End, of the night
I'll be dancing like Travolta
Singing like Tom Jones
And if you play your cards right
You can take me home
Where I'll ravish you 'til morning
Fix you breakfast in bed
Or I might just fall asleep on the job instead
The evening's wearing on and I'm still on my own
So I buy another pint and sit and stare at my phone
The music's getting louder and the ladies strut their stuff
But I've got two left feet and I haven't drunk enough
So I won't go and join them even though my needs grow baser
I'll just buy another beer and a double whisky chaser
And then if I get lucky, I'll catch somebody's eye
And maybe, just maybe
By the end of the night
End, of the night
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12. |
Number 1 Fan
03:14
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You've all come out to see me
I'm the leader of this band
You don't care about the other three
It's all about the front man
The drummer has to hide away
No one knows the bassists name
The guitarist can't play
They're all just pawns in my game
Everybody loves me
Everybody loves me
Everybody loves me
Everybody loves me
I'm my number one
Fan
There's something you should know
It's easy to understand
There's more talent in my big toe
Than the whole of the rest of the band
I'm the captain of this ship
I'm the brightest flame
They're all just along for the trip
Riding on the back of my fame
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13. |
Stacey Bushes Car Park
03:19
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Lost my virginity
In Stacey Bushes Car Park
There’s nothing much to see
In Stacey Bushes Car Park
No commemorative plaque
In Stacey Bushes Car Park
To celebrate the fact
In Stacey Bushes Caaaaaaaar Paark
I became a man
In Stacey Bushes Car Park
A man without a plan
In Stacey Bushes Car Park
A man without direction
In Stacey Bushes Car Park
A man with an erection
In Stacey Bushes Car Park
And now it is my home
In Stacey Bushes Car Park
I’ve nowhere else to roam
In Stacey Bushes Car Park
The circle is complete
In Stacey Bushes Car Park
Bury me down deep
In Stacey Bushes Car Park
Got sucked off by a tramp
His trousers were all damp
His beard was grey and matted
I was completely twatted
It’s nothing much
It's just a fucking car park
Piece of Tarmac
It's just a fucking car park
Round the back of the shops
It's just a fucking car park
It's full of doggers
It's just a fucking Car Park
Gonna go there next
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